Friday, December 08, 2006

The Tit, the Fool and the Free Beers

And now we have the first entry from Beverage. Hurray! I could start with many stories of drunkenness and debauchery from the last 10 years or so, however I feel that many of these stories are now the stuff of legend and I can barely remember the difference between fact and fiction, although the same can be said of the story from last Saturday.

It started relatively later than normal at 4pm (reasons for this delay will be revealed in another tale) at pub in London Victoria where myself and The Nameless One (TNO) had previously found the drunkest bar manager in the world……ever. I was quite looking forward to reliving the experience again of being served by this amusing individual and it was hard to hide my disappointment when I walked into the bar and was served by a sober, un-entertaining, normal barman! So disappointed was I was that I failed to notice the music stop, the chatter cease and feel everyone’s eyes on the back of our heads! Such a good start to the night!

After running from that first bar, the intension was to do a pub-crawl from Victoria to our usual drinking holes in Covent Garden. However TNO was in charge of directions and we seemed to do far more walking than drinking and I was cold! THO stated that I should not complain as I was wearing just a T-Shirt, I stated that I didn’t expect to walk 3 miles in between each pub! Anyway after about 3 more pubs and 11 miles of walking, we reached the first of our 2 intended destinations. The idea of visiting this pub was to 1. Check that I wasn’t barred after my performance last week (I will explain later) and 2. To get some much needed Dutch courage for our second destination. Point 1 and 2 were successfully achieved and within a matter of an hour we were on our way to destination 2.

Now this is the point of the night where things started out well for me and got worse and things for TNO were OK and got better! First of all Don Coleone (the bouncer) didn’t stop me from getting in, he just smiled and shook my hand. So far so good. We made it to the bar and ordered our drinks, the bar maids (who nearly all are really fit) did serve me and things were going well.

Its about now I should explain that the Sat before I drank a little too much to ease the pain of Wales being totally destroyed by NZ and made a bit of a tit of myself. Not really remembering anything of the night and relying totally on TNO to tell me what happened – he painted a bad picture!

Anyway things got even better for me when the red headed bar maid came round to our side of the bar and started chatting me up….again. I had spent a lot of time working up to this, nearly two whole evenings! Anyway I plucked up the courage to ask her to come for drinks with me and TNO after they finished their shift, she smiled and said yes! Happy days, the old beverage magic!

Things even got better again, when this tit and his mates decided to leave the bar and their half full pints for about 20mins. Now considering this is a busy Sat night, anything left on the bar unclaimed for that long is taken away and rightly so. However titman comes back and complains like hell that they have cleared away his drinks and demanded 4 more pints. The bar staff complied with this and gave him his drinks. TNO was saying to me “I would have told him to Fuck off” when titman suddenly realised all of his friends had left the pub and gave the four pints to TNO. Titman was suddenly promoted to just “fool” in the eyes of TNO and absolute bastard in the eyes of beverage! Why the f*ck did he not demand any free vodi’s!?! I could have had some then, but no, I had to suffer an extremely smug TNO who looked like the cat who had all the cream, well actually he looked like the man who had all the free beer!

Anyway, due to the success of Red head saying she would have a drink with me later and TNO getting free drinks we consumed lots more beers and Vodi’s and even went for the cigars! Anyway TNO said he had drank enough and would walk home, I got the bus. On the bus I saw Don Coleone. Now my immediate urge was to wander over and say hello and indulge him in drunken chitchat, however I know I did this last week and it probably didn’t go down too well. So I resisted the urge! However it’s a long bus journey and I’m only human. I walked (stumbled) over and said hello.

He had a look of sheer bewilderment, now I’m not unused to this at that time of night, but I had to ask why he was looking at me so strange? “what are u doing here?” he replied, “damn fool, I’m catching the bus home” I responded (without the damn fool part, I’m not that brave!)
He then shrugged his shoulders and said that the Red Head and the girls were going to the pub I had previously suggested to meet me and that he just wondered why I would be on a bus going in the wrong direction!?!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s how the night ended and I am a fool!

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